The phrase “One is not born a woman, one becomes one” by Simone de Beauvoir still unsettles many because it states a truth many refuse to accept: what we think of as “natural” is often constructed. Being a woman, a man, or a parent are not fixed realities. These are social constructs shaped by culture, education, the times we live in, and the representations each person has of the world.
People often misunderstand this phrase. Some see it as an injunction, as if one must become a woman to be legitimate. The exact opposite is true. Beauvoir was not talking about a goal to reach but a mechanism to denounce. Sex is given, but roles are learned. Society makes women and men based on norms that are passed down, repeated, and normalised. Today, neuroscience confirms this intuition: at birth only a small portion of neural connections is already formed; the majority develops afterwards. Innate traits represent only a tiny part of what we become.
So why do we continue to believe that certain qualities are “naturally” feminine? In my work, I still regularly hear talk of “female management style”. That is deeply sexist and biased. A man can show gentleness and listening without being called “weak”, and a woman can show strength without being labelled a “matron”. We accept equality, even celebrate it, but we hang on to the idea that women are “more this” or “more that”. It is precisely this that keeps stereotypes alive, the small “yes, but…” that quietly suggests equality is an illusion.
It’s right in front of us
And this has real consequences. February 13th — Equal Pay Day — reminds us with cold brutality: it is the symbolic date up to which women work “for free” compared to men because of the gender pay gap. This is not fate; it is a result — a result of political choices, family structures, and social norms that keep allocating roles unequally.
Parenthood is one of the most powerful mechanisms of this inequality. Who really becomes a parent? Who carries the mental load? Who adjusts their career, reduces their hours, or sometimes gives up professional ambitions? Mostly women do. In Switzerland, parental leave structures perpetuate this pattern: 14 weeks for mothers, two weeks for fathers. The system doesn’t just tolerate a division of roles; it organises and reinforces it.
Then we act surprised that women are penalised in the labour market. We’re surprised by the pay gap, an income gap, and a retirement gap. But it’s all right there, visible from the start. From birth we send a clear message: women are told “you take responsibility” and men are told “you can be secondary”. And we then pretend equality is a reality.
Tackling the mechanism that produces inequality
Introducing a long and equitable parental leave is not a symbolic or “kind” gesture. It is structural reform. It tackles inequality at its source. It allows fathers to be fully involved from the beginning and to build a real relationship with their child. It also frees women from the implicit obligation to sacrifice their careers and financial autonomy.
Parental competence has no gender. It is not a maternal instinct hardwired into our genes. It is a skill that is built, learned, and experienced. And if society accepts that one becomes a parent, then it must accept that this role can be shared from the very start, not pre-assigned to one or the other.
Supporting initiatives for equitable parental leave is not just about improving family policy. It’s about attacking a mechanism that produces gender inequality. It is refusing to let society continue to decide for us who should bear the load, who should slow down, who should sacrifice their career. It’s also about saying no to the “yes, but…” that, under the guise of neutrality, keeps inequality alive.
Because we are not born women, mothers, or fathers. We become them. And as long as society continues to manufacture unequal roles, Equal Pay Day will remain relevant, every year and for many years to come.
